26th February 2001 - 7:03 p.m.

"I spent a number of years working with ex-offenders. Rapists, murderers, paedophiles.. So I have a great deal of experience of helping people like yourselves back into society".

Today marks the beginning of my New Deal training course. As anyone who has had the unenviable task of speaking to me recently will know only too well, I do not want to join this scheme. I view it with absolute disdain and am utterly frustrated that for the next fortnight, when I shall have employers and agencies attempting to get hold of me, offering me highly-paid positions in dynamic corporations, I shall be on a course teaching me how to spell my name accurately and how to get through an interview without resorting to violence. My expectations are not high.

And - wouldn't you know it? - it's even more ridiculous than I'd dared imagine. Arriving slightly late, having wanted to be quite sure before I left the house that I wasn't going to pass out, I am ushered into a classroom on whose walls are attached posters informing us, with not even a trace of awareness, that "WORK MAKES YOU FREE". As first signs go, it's hardly the most heartening.

Our teacher-of-sorts insists upon singing operettas to himself and telling the same joke time and time again, rather jarring against the overwhelming mood of bitterness and despondency in the room. He tells us to hang our coats up and then says "well done" when we manage it. He sets us a test and then, seeing that I've finished 25 minutes early, makes an attempt to get me Onside by joking that "It's just like being back at university isn't it? Haha!". I open my mouth to say "Well, primary school,actually", before it occurs to me that this would be rude. Instead, I just stare back at him for a few seconds and then agree: "Yes, university. Yes, haha".

Taxing though the test is ('fill in the blank: "Working in _ factory is fun"'), I think I fare ok. I do admit to having made a momentary error on the numeracy test, but only because I am distracted by the thought that "I could die here". I have had the same headache for six days now, and it's not helped by the fact that I have to spend hour after hour staring vacantly at the table or my knees or some point between the two, whilst the teacher tells us that "selling ourselves is hard, because we so seldom have to do it" or why, when working in a team, we shouldn't make assumptions. "Because if I'm the team leader, and you ASSUME, then 'U' make an 'ASS' out of 'ME'. ASS/U/ME. Do you see?"

"Oh dear God.. I have turned against Your Grace. I have sinned, am sinning, and fully intend to do so for the forseeable future. Strike me down. PLEASE"

All our crazy fun comes to an abrupt end when, for the final hour, a careers advisor comes in to bellow at us for being lazy, and tell us that we really should take any job we can, even if we hate it, because we would at least feel better about ourselves.

As I leave the room at 5pm today, I take it upon myself to steal a pen.